Quitting Overscheduling
Fighting my instinct to sign my kids up for ALL THE THINGS requires constant vigilance.
Anyone else have this problem? Like, I say I want a mellow routine. I say that I want to the freedom to go where the day takes us, to provide plenty of downtime for boredom and creativity and relaxation… and yet, when summer camp registration rolls around, you’ll find me with a 3 month calendar printout, enthusiastically scheduling in various camps - tennis, skating, climbing, gymnastics - with total disregard for all my aforementioned values and priorities. Where do these ideas go? And what about registration deadlines make them flee? I think it has something to do with a scarcity mindset. Like, if we don’t get a spot we might not be able to do it later. And if other 7 year old are leaning golf, we need to learn soon or we’ll fall behind… sigh.
I fall prey to this cyclically, it seems. As with so many things, I learn my lesson. Then forget. And learn again. Are others such slow learners? What does it mean about my cognitive ability that I require so much repetition to learn? If I were being evaluated, my score in this domain would be “at risk” or “borderline.” I accept it.
While I find myself freshly marinating in this lesson, I offer you some ideas that may help you approach your overscheduling dilemmas:
Know what matters to you. It’s easy for me to begin to think something is important when the people around me value it. For example, I will see a friend’s child earning gymnastics awards and suddenly wish I had pushed my oldest daughter to stick with gymnastics. And then my husband reminds me that we would spend our weekends driving to competitions if our daughter were a competitive gymnast. We actually wouldn’t be so excited for that. And we don’t care what sports or activities our kids do, as long as they are being physically active, having fun, and discovering the satisfaction of working hard and improving. THAT is what matters to us, in our home. So, when I catch myself looking up activities, camps, and events for my kids simply because other parents are signing up their kids, it helps to check myself and get really clear on my values to help guide my choices. And of course to check with my kids to see what they want to do.
Err on the side of less. Less is more. Later is better than earlier. It can be hard to accept these ideas, as they run counter to what we are constantly told about the need for early childhood enrichment. These concepts are heretical in our achievement-obsessed culture, which explicitly and implicitly places us all in a race toward developmental milestones starting at birth. But it’s patently wrong to believe that earlier is better. A large body of research indicates that children aren’t developmentally ready for many of the academic and athletic tasks we throw at them starting around age 5. In fact, many researchers believe children shouldn’t be learning formal academics until ages 7 or 8. Research also suggests that children who are pushed to “drill and kill” in athletics from an early age tend to lose passion for their chosen sports in adolescence. Indeed, this phenomenon is now being openly discussed by collegiate athletics programs, where coaches and recruiters are recognizing - and often preferring - the benefits of children whose passions are intact and whose skills can be cultivated due to later starts in formal sports. These studies give me comfort when I worry that I’m not doing enough or planning enough or that my kids are falling behind. They help soothe that competitive inner voice that needles me into making more plans than I want - or than my kids want - on our calendars. If given the option to say yes or no, I’ve learned that the default response should be “no” unless there is a compelling reason to add it to our calendars.
Schedule downtime and family time. Having a family meeting and dinner together at the table on Sunday nights is a ritual that gets priority over everything else. I also have friends who do NOTHING but house chores and family time one day a week. I personally like to make sure we have every other evening “off” from activities for downtown so that we can catch our breaths mid-week. Every family is different but making sure downtime and time together (not in the car driving to activities!) is a great way to help avoid overscheduling.
Finally, let your children guide the way. Children have a way of helping us know what they need, if we can only get out of the way and pay attention. Sometimes this looks like listening to our kids’ words. Like, “Mom, I want to do gymnastics.” But even more critical are the nonverbal cues our children give us before, during, and after the activities they do. If you have to push them to go to the activity you signed them up for, it’s probably something to cut. If they come home cranky, melting down, or upset, it’s probably something to cut. These behaviors are usually signs that our kids need more rest, more connection with us, and/or more free play. Be ready to forfeit what you’ve paid for activities that aren’t a good fit. It’s OK. What’s paid is already paid. Also use the opportunity to have discussions with your kids about when to quit and when to stick with something you’ve committed to. There are no hard and fast rules here. You make the rules for your family, so listen to your gut.
I hope some of these ideas help you stay inspired and committed to keeping your schedule sane and manageable. For the sake of everyone in your home!
